The Frog Prince Gets Pwned...

Okay, so everybody knows that when you get turned into a frog, or bear, or wolf (basically a man-beast of any genus or species, really) the quickest way to transform back into your regular handsome self is to find a reluctant princess to give you a quick peck; and poof... not only are you once again bipedal, you've lined up a hot date for the weekend. Sweet, right? Uh, no...

According to the original version recorded by the B.G., you'd have a better chance by challenging a MMA champ to a sparring match.

The story of The Frog King ( I don't know why the English versions demoted him to a prince) is usually the first story in any of the Brothers Grimm collections.  It is one of their most retold stories today; and it's inspired a number of idioms that mostly call for the willingness to look beyond physical appearances to the true beauty within.

Ladies, how many times have well-meaning moms, grandmothers, aunts and the like told you that you have to 'kiss a few frogs'; in short telling you that you should expect to put up with a LOT of crap before you find a guy who is half-way decent?  For guys, I don't know if a parallel exists,  as it seems the trend is to find the hottest person who will have you, warts and all...


Man's best option

Woman's best option

Anyway, the various retellings of the story usually at least start the same way; a young, beautiful princess loses her prized possession, a golden ball.  Which, when you think about it, is kinda stupid from the get go.  Who in their right mind would make something so valuable that susceptible to loss or theft? (I mean, besides Apple.)  I've seen pictures of monarchs holding a royal orb, called the Globus Cruciger.  It usually has some form of cross on it.  This isn't to show any relation to God and Country; it's to keep the damn thing from rolling away...

Poor bastard never had a chance...

Then of course you have the eponymous frog; who by any given  standard is so much of a doormat, that his middle name is probably Welcome.  I mean, when it comes to being a masochist for love, this guy is on par with Woody Allen, Steve Urkel, and Jacob Black.  In a way, I guess he's there to tell any guys reading the story that hey, if I have a shot at a hot princess, so can you.

So when said noble-yet-naive frog offers to retrieve said beautiful-yet-two-faced princess's ball from the bottom of his pond, the amphibian's sole request is not jewels or finery; instead he asks to form a lasting friendship with her.  Simple enough, one would think.  But of course, being a spoiled princess (and nowadays, everybody knows at least one), the minute she has her beloved trinket back; it's a quick dash back to the palace, leaving the poor frog eating her dust.   At this point, the major lesson of the story: always get it in writing.

While the princess is basking in the satisfaction of a job well done, who should make a dinner appearance but non other than our persistent little friend the frog.  This can be taken from two opposing views. Either you respect the frog for his determination or (like anybody who has ever tried avoiding a bill collector, clingy ex-boyfriend, Mormon Missionary, etc...) you empathize with the girl for doing her best to pretend that she isn't home.

After learning of her verbal contract with said frog, her father the King (we never get a kingdom name, so it could be Elvis, for all we know) actually makes her honor her promise! Now I know this is a fairytale; can you imagine Lionel Richie or Richard Hilton making Nicole or Paris behave like respectable human beings? Paris, I mean parish, the thought.

Now here's where things get a little dicey.  In some instances of the story this is where the princess does an about face, realizes that all God's creatures are beautiful in their own way, and gives the little bugger a smooch.  But in the original version, the princess, being so outraged at letting a lowly toad get the better of her, bodily picks him up and to quote B.G., "dashed him against the wall with all her might."  I mean, come on, the frogs you dissect in biology get more humane treatment that this.  But apparently, the best way to show someone you love them isn't with love and affection.  It's through severe head trauma.

The next scene is what I would assume to be the inspiration of a few cliché moments in soap operas.  The princess realizes her cruelty too late; only to discover that the mangled body of the frog has been replaced with the comely figure of a man who, despite probably needing a CT scan, is still deeply in love with her. Funny how in real life, this would more likely be the prosecutor's opening statement in an attempted murder trial.

And so, true to fairytale form, the princess discovers the frog's true nature (i.e. rich, handsome, & affluent) and of course agrees to become his bride.  Heaven forbid that she actually get to know the guy for more that a day. Or, perversely, the far-sighted prince sees this as the perfect opportunity to pay back the princess in kind( at least, one can hope).  Even the chicks from The Bachelor get more face time with the prospective schmucks ABC serves up every season. And we all know how hot their success rate is...

You were intended for so much better.

Finally, one thing many find interesting about the original tale is that it also goes by the name of Iron Heinrich.  Heinrich is the prince's faithful servant, suffering from what could only be described as a case of extreme separation anxiety. Unfortunately, this was before Germany instituted universal health care; and a comprehensive psychological regimen of Xanax or Cymbalta was out of the question.  The best Heinrich can afford are three iron bands encircling his chest; to keep his heart from bursting out due to his prolonged panic attack.  Really, the only reason to put the poor guy in the story at all is to illustrate that 1) if there's no happiness for the social elite, then the rest of us can just suck it, and 2) hey, when you're driving blissfully off into the sunset, somebody has to steer the horse drawn carriage, right?

And they all lived happily ever after.